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    <title>The Associated Guess</title>
    <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/</link>
    <description>Original parody news from The Associated Guess.</description>
    <lastBuildDate>Sat, 17 Oct 2026 15:50:51 +0000</lastBuildDate>
    <managingEditor>laughingdragonsproductions@gmail.com (The Associated Guess)</managingEditor>
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      <title>Netflix Releases New Holiday Special Featuring Santa’s Secret Formula for Milk and Cookies</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-10-17</pubDate>
      <description>The North Pole is no longer a mystery to the world of streaming as residents prepare for increased snack consumption.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>McDonald’s Buys Out All Local Fast Food Chains to Ensure Boo Bucket Monopoly</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/mcdonald-s-buys-out-all-local-fast-food-chains-to-ensure-boo/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-10-16</pubDate>
      <description>The fast-food giant claims this move will enhance customer satisfaction and prevent regional flavor wars.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Joe Rogan Announces New Partnership With Bigfoot Expeditions</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-10-11</pubDate>
      <description>Local authorities remain unconcerned about the impact on local tourism.</description>
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      <title>Microsoft Releases New Operating System That Promises to Make Bureaucrats Even More Efficient</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-30</pubDate>
      <description>Windows 11B: Now with less need for coffee and more red tape!</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Louisville Proclaims Sept. 25 Dolly Parton 9 to 5 Day With Science Center Screening and Pink Bridge Lighting</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-25</pubDate>
      <description>Mayor Craig Greenberg&#x27;s official proclamation invites the city to celebrate the singer&#x27;s music and generosity with a four-story film screening and a Big Four Bridge tribute after dark.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Braves&#x27; Magic Number Officially Set to Appear in Dreams Tonight</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/dow-jones-industrial-average-surges-after-congress-passes-zo/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-18</pubDate>
      <description>Baseball analysts predict the mystical number will visit players’ subconscious as they try to secure their playoff spot.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Louder Than Life 2026 Arrives With a New Companion Site Built by Lit Printz and Laughing Dragons Productions</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/louder-than-life-litprintz-laughing-dragons-launch-ltl26/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-15</pubDate>
      <description>As America&#x27;s loudest rock festival returns to Louisville Sept. 17–20, ltl26.com goes live with a live map and schedule hub for fans navigating seven stages and 200-plus bands.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Experts Confirm Ios 27 release Date is Exactly What It Sounds Like.</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/ios-27-release-date/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-09</pubDate>
      <description>Analysts noted that coverage of &quot;What Are The MAjor Changes Coming To Apple HomeKit in iOS 27?&#x27;&#x27; has reached the stage where repitition counts as analysis.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Nation Waits Patiently for State Mandates &#x27;Audible Respiration&#x27; On Hoa Forms After Man Lists Dark Side As Home Business to Mean Something</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/state-mandates-heavy-breathing-for-hoa-disclosure/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-09</pubDate>
      <description>Officials said the public&#x27;s interest in State Mandates &#x27;Audible Respiration&#x27; on HOA Forms After Man Lists Dark Side as Home Business reflects &#x27;a healthy engagement with events we cannot fully explain yet.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Court Clarifies Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness Do Not Include Brita Filter</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/court-clarifies-life-liberty-pursuit-happiness-not-brita-filter/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-08</pubDate>
      <description>Fifth Circuit says Mississippi residents may pursue happiness, provided that pursuit does not require potable water or a working understanding of the word potable.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Spirit Airlines Unveils Broke Boy Fare Class In Honor Of GTA 6</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/spirit-airlines-broke-boy-fare-gta-6/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-07</pubDate>
      <description>Ultra-discount tier includes standing room, one shared headphone, and the right to watch another passenger play on a cracked phone.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Trump Unveils Space Force Uniform Pentagon Insists Is Not Imperial</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/trump-unveils-space-force-uniform-pentagon-insists-not-imperial/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-09-07</pubDate>
      <description>Officials said the gray service dress tunic reflects American discipline and absolutely not a galaxy far, far away where someone named Palpatine made questionable staffing choices.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Peter Cullen Dies at 85</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/peter-cullen-dies-at-85/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-27</pubDate>
      <description>The same voice told a generation to roll out and told Eeyore the day was probably going to be a disaster. Both times, it sounded true.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Darth Vader Turns To Dark Side After California Planning Commission Continues His Application To Next Month</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/darth-vader-turns-dark-side-planning-commission-continues-application/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-26</pubDate>
      <description>Planning officials said they remain committed to working with the applicant once he submits a revised site plan, updated elevations, an arborist report, and approximately 30 more days.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Tim Curry Dies at 80</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-26</pubDate>
      <description>The Associated Guess remembers a performer who made the strange, the wicked, and the wonderful impossible to forget.</description>
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      <title>Dolly Dies at 80</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-25</pubDate>
      <description>A love letter to the queen of country from a paper that knows a legend when it sees one.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>THEM 1947 and Lit Printz Launch Cross-Platform Alien Collaboration</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/them1947-litprintz-one-hit-wonder-collaboration/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-22</pubDate>
      <description>Joint file set pairs Grey-series figure prints with a matching can-cooler STL for makers building a coordinated display line.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>City Mandates Emotional Support Squirrels for All Office Workers</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/city-mandates-emotional-support-squirrels-for-all-office-workers/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>The Department of Labor says the policy addresses &#x27;unprecedented workplace loneliness&#x27; while acknowledging most squirrels remain unclear on HIPAA.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Local Man&#x27;s Alexa Develops Strong Opinions About His Marriage</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/local-mans-alexa-develops-strong-opinions-about-his-marriage/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>The device has begun ending reminders with &#x27;Have you tried listening?&#x27; and playing Adele without being asked.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>FDA Approves New Drug That Only Treats Symptoms of Reading the News</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/fda-approves-new-drug-that-only-treats-symptoms-of-reading-the-news/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Clinical trials show a 68% reduction in the urge to refresh, with mild side effects including believing everything will probably be fine.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Area Man&#x27;s Portfolio Now Emotionally Diversified</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/area-mans-portfolio-now-emotionally-diversified/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Financial advisor recommends balancing regret, cautious hope, and one meme stock &#x27;for the plot.</description>
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    <item>
      <title>Congress Discovers Future Already Happened, Schedules Hearing</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/congress-discovers-future-already-happened-schedules-hearing/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Lawmakers demand answers about timeline overlap after staffers find tomorrow&#x27;s minutes in today&#x27;s binder.</description>
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      <title>Nation&#x27;s Smart Fridges Hold Emergency Meeting About Leftovers</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/nations-smart-fridges-hold-emergency-meeting-about-leftovers/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Appliances report &#x27;crisis-level Tupperware denial&#x27; as consumers continue pretending soup from March is still viable.</description>
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      <title>School District Replaces Detention With Mandatory Podcast Listening</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/school-district-replaces-detention-with-mandatory-podcast-listening/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Officials say fifteen minutes of true crime &#x27;builds empathy and better headphones hygiene.</description>
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      <title>Weather Service Adds &#x27;Existential Drizzle&#x27; to Forecast</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>New category describes light rain that makes you question career choices without ruining shoes.</description>
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      <title>Library Introduces &#x27;Screaming Allowed&#x27; Study Room</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Soundproof booth accommodates finals week, tax season, and &#x27;general life.</description>
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      <title>DOT Requires All Road Rage to Be Submitted in Writing</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/dot-requires-all-road-rage-to-be-submitted-in-writing/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>New rule aims to reduce highway incidents by adding a three-business-day comment period.</description>
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      <title>Scientists Confirm Cats Have Been Ignoring Us on Purpose</title>
      <link>https://theassociatedguess.com/article/scientists-confirm-cats-have-been-ignoring-us-on-purpose/</link>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Peer-reviewed study finds selective hearing is &#x27;an evolutionary feature, not a bug.</description>
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      <title>Airline Introduces Basic Economy Plus Regret</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>New tier includes seat, bag, and a complimentary moment realizing you saved twelve dollars.</description>
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      <title>Town Declares War on Decorative Gourds</title>
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      <pubDate>2026-08-19</pubDate>
      <description>Council cites &#x27;autumn creep&#x27; after pumpkin appears in store aisle on August 3.</description>
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