SALEM - Researchers at the Institute for Post-Mortem Literacy announced Tuesday they have solved a decades-old puzzle: ghosts cannot read books because the city revoked their library cards in 1887 and never reinstated them. Lead archivist Dana Morse said spectral patrons continued entering stacks through walls, triggering motion sensors and setting off the rare-books alarm at inconvenient hours. "They aren't illiterate," Morse said. "They're unregistered."
The ordinance passed after a séance circle borrowed 400 volumes simultaneously and returned them damp. Current policy requires photo ID, proof of address, and a pulse. Ghost Relations liaison Pat Ellis called the rules "discriminatory but overdue-proof." Local mediums protested outside City Hall with signs reading LET THEM READ and MY CLIENT HAS FINISHED THE SERIES. Council responded by offering e-card access, which failed when ghosts could not receive verification texts.
Morse's team proposed Braille for the translucent, audiobooks played at frequencies only dogs and the deceased enjoy, and a pilot "floating bookmark" program. Funding was denied in favor of repainting the children's room. Historians note Salem ghosts once ran a successful book club until someone suggested true crime. Attendance dropped when members recognized victims.
The library will host a community forum next month. Agenda item four: whether returning books through the ceiling counts as drop-box use. Until policy changes, Morse said, ghosts will continue staring mournfully at closed covers, which staff misinterpret as performance art.
In an interview with The Associated Guess, Ellis lamented, "We've tried every angle - Braille, audiobooks, floating bookmarks - but they just can't get the hang of it." He added, "It's like trying to teach a ghost how to use a smartphone. They're not exactly tech-savvy."
Meanwhile, city officials debated the merits of a new policy. Council member Eliza Griswold proposed a special category for spectral patrons: "We could call them 'ghost readers.' It would be a fun, if morbid, addition to our library system." Mayor Jonathan Hawthorne countered, "I don't want to see more ghosts haunting the stacks. They're already enough on Halloween."
Local historian Dr. Emily Pynchon weighed in with her own theory: "Ghosts might have their reasons for not reading books. Perhaps they prefer the atmosphere of a quiet library without living patrons. Or maybe they've moved on to other forms of entertainment - like ghostly chess or spectral knitting." She added, "It's a mystery that will keep us all guessing."
The library board voted unanimously against any changes, citing budget constraints and the need for more pressing issues like repainting the children’s room. In a statement, board chairperson Sarah Peabody said, "We can't afford to cater to ghosts when we have real kids who need books."
Despite the setback, Morse remained optimistic: "We're not giving up on our spectral readers. We'll keep proposing innovative solutions until they finally get their library cards."
In a twist of fate, a local paranormal investigator claimed to have discovered a loophole in the city’s ghost registration process. "Ghosts can still register," said investigator Benjamin Blackwood, "but only if you're willing to pay with a soul." He added, "It's not exactly legal, but it might be worth a try."
The library will host its community forum next month, hoping for some breakthrough in the ongoing ghost literacy debate. Until then, ghosts will continue their silent vigil over empty shelves, waiting for the day they can finally pick up a book and read - perhaps with a little help from the living.
