BUSINESS
McDonald’s Buys Out All Local Fast Food Chains to Ensure Boo Bucket Monopoly
The fast-food giant claims this move will enhance customer satisfaction and prevent regional flavor wars.
87 stories in archive · 87 full-length pieces · Updated October 17, 2026 · RSS
Featured
Lead story · posted today
Posted today
NEWS
Netflix Releases New Holiday Special Featuring Santa’s Secret Formula for Milk and Cookies
The North Pole is no longer a mystery to the world of streaming as residents prepare for increased snack consumption.
NEWS
Joe Rogan Announces New Partnership With Bigfoot Expeditions
Local authorities remain unconcerned about the impact on local tourism.
NEWS
Microsoft Releases New Operating System That Promises to Make Bureaucrats Even More Efficient
Windows 11B: Now with less need for coffee and more red tape!
More headlines
LOCAL
Louisville Proclaims Sept. 25 Dolly Parton 9 to 5 Day With Science Center Screening and Pink Bridge Lighting
Mayor Craig Greenberg's official proclamation invites the city to celebrate the singer's music and generosity with a four-story film screeni
NEWS
Braves' Magic Number Officially Set to Appear in Dreams Tonight
Baseball analysts predict the mystical number will visit players’ subconscious as they try to secure their playoff spot.
BUSINESS
Louder Than Life 2026 Arrives With a New Companion Site Built by Lit Printz and Laughing Dragons Productions
As America's loudest rock festival returns to Louisville Sept. 17–20, ltl26.com goes live with a live map and schedule hub for fans navigati
NEWS
Experts Confirm Ios 27 release Date is Exactly What It Sounds Like.
Analysts noted that coverage of "What Are The MAjor Changes Coming To Apple HomeKit in iOS 27?'' has reached the stage where repitition coun
News
View all News →National and international coverage from The Associated Guess wire desk — deadlines met, facts optional, tone immaculate.
NEWS
Netflix Releases New Holiday Special Featuring Santa’s Secret Formula for Milk and Cookies
The North Pole is no longer a mystery to the world of streaming as residents prepare for increased snack consumption.
NEWS
Joe Rogan Announces New Partnership With Bigfoot Expeditions
Local authorities remain unconcerned about the impact on local tourism.
NEWS
Microsoft Releases New Operating System That Promises to Make Bureaucrats Even More Efficient
Windows 11B: Now with less need for coffee and more red tape!
NEWS
Braves' Magic Number Officially Set to Appear in Dreams Tonight
Baseball analysts predict the mystical number will visit players’ subconscious as they try to secure their playoff spot.
NEWS
Experts Confirm Ios 27 release Date is Exactly What It Sounds Like.
Analysts noted that coverage of "What Are The MAjor Changes Coming To Apple HomeKit in iOS 27?'' has reached the stage where repitition coun
Politics
View all Politics →Legislative bodies, executive branches, and committees doing their best under circumstances they invented.
POLITICS
Court Clarifies Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness Do Not Include Brita Filter
Fifth Circuit says Mississippi residents may pursue happiness, provided that pursuit does not require potable water or a working understandi
POLITICS
Congress Discovers Future Already Happened, Schedules Hearing
Lawmakers demand answers about timeline overlap after staffers find tomorrow's minutes in today's binder.
POLITICS
DOT Requires All Road Rage to Be Submitted in Writing
New rule aims to reduce highway incidents by adding a three-business-day comment period.
POLITICS
New Law Requires All Citizens to Vote in the Next Election
Turnout mandate includes ceremonial ballots, sticker distribution, and a firm maybe on whether anyone counts them.
Business
View all Business →Markets, mergers, and CEO apologies — reported with the gravity your portfolio deserves and your accountant fears.
BUSINESS
McDonald’s Buys Out All Local Fast Food Chains to Ensure Boo Bucket Monopoly
The fast-food giant claims this move will enhance customer satisfaction and prevent regional flavor wars.
BUSINESS
Louder Than Life 2026 Arrives With a New Companion Site Built by Lit Printz and Laughing Dragons Productions
As America's loudest rock festival returns to Louisville Sept. 17–20, ltl26.com goes live with a live map and schedule hub for fans navigati
BUSINESS
Spirit Airlines Unveils Broke Boy Fare Class In Honor Of GTA 6
Ultra-discount tier includes standing room, one shared headphone, and the right to watch another passenger play on a cracked phone.
BUSINESS
THEM 1947 and Lit Printz Launch Cross-Platform Alien Collaboration
Joint file set pairs Grey-series figure prints with a matching can-cooler STL for makers building a coordinated display line.
BUSINESS
City Mandates Emotional Support Squirrels for All Office Workers
The Department of Labor says the policy addresses 'unprecedented workplace loneliness' while acknowledging most squirrels remain unclear on
Science
View all Science →Peer-reviewed chaos from labs that publish first and ask questions during the press conference.
SCIENCE
Nation's Smart Fridges Hold Emergency Meeting About Leftovers
Appliances report 'crisis-level Tupperware denial' as consumers continue pretending soup from March is still viable.
SCIENCE
Scientists Confirm Cats Have Been Ignoring Us on Purpose
Peer-reviewed study finds selective hearing is 'an evolutionary feature, not a bug.
SCIENCE
Study Finds Average Meeting Could Have Been Email and Also Wasn't
Researchers describe paradox as 'the Schrödinger stand-up.
SCIENCE
Time Travel Causes Gravity
Physicists propose that every temporal joyride ripples spacetime downward; skeptics propose lunch.
SCIENCE
Global Warming Caused by Gravity
Researchers at the Global Institute for Odd Theories blame planetary pull for rising temperatures, prompting traditional climatologists to p
Culture
View all Culture →Arts, entertainment, and the public's ongoing negotiation with fame, streaming, and artisanal bread.
CULTURE
Peter Cullen Dies at 85
The same voice told a generation to roll out and told Eeyore the day was probably going to be a disaster. Both times, it sounded true.
CULTURE
Tim Curry Dies at 80
The Associated Guess remembers a performer who made the strange, the wicked, and the wonderful impossible to forget.
CULTURE
Dolly Dies at 80
A love letter to the queen of country from a paper that knows a legend when it sees one.
CULTURE
Library Introduces 'Screaming Allowed' Study Room
Soundproof booth accommodates finals week, tax season, and 'general life.
CULTURE
Museum Opens Exhibit on Passwords You Will Never Remember
Curators say collection spans 'childhood pet names' through 'corporate SSO hellscape.
Local
View all Local →City halls, school boards, and neighbors who have strong feelings about leaves, squirrels, and parking.
LOCAL
Louisville Proclaims Sept. 25 Dolly Parton 9 to 5 Day With Science Center Screening and Pink Bridge Lighting
Mayor Craig Greenberg's official proclamation invites the city to celebrate the singer's music and generosity with a four-story film screeni
LOCAL
Darth Vader Turns To Dark Side After California Planning Commission Continues His Application To Next Month
Planning officials said they remain committed to working with the applicant once he submits a revised site plan, updated elevations, an arbo
LOCAL
Local Man's Alexa Develops Strong Opinions About His Marriage
The device has begun ending reminders with 'Have you tried listening?' and playing Adele without being asked.
LOCAL
School District Replaces Detention With Mandatory Podcast Listening
Officials say fifteen minutes of true crime 'builds empathy and better headphones hygiene.
LOCAL
Town Declares War on Decorative Gourds
Council cites 'autumn creep' after pumpkin appears in store aisle on August 3.
Strange America
View all Strange America →Dispatch from the bureau that handles everything the other desks forwarded with the subject line "you deal with this."
STRANGE AMERICA
National Park Service Adds Trail Rated 'Moderately Existential
New signage warns hikers they may arrive at the summit questioning every life choice except bringing water.
STRANGE AMERICA
Pentagon Confirms Area 51 Contains Mostly Unread Emails
Declassified summary describes 'historic backlog of clearance requests and one weird PDF.
Opinion & Investigations
Opinion
NEWS
Nation Waits Patiently for State Mandates 'Audible Respiration' On Hoa Forms After Man Lists Dark Side As Home Business to Mean Something
Officials said the public's interest in State Mandates 'Audible Respiration' on HOA Forms After Man Lists Dark Side as Home Business reflect
POLITICS
Court Clarifies Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness Do Not Include Brita Filter
Fifth Circuit says Mississippi residents may pursue happiness, provided that pursuit does not require potable water or a working understandi
Investigations
STRANGE AMERICA
National Park Service Adds Trail Rated 'Moderately Existential
New signage warns hikers they may arrive at the summit questioning every life choice except bringing water.
STRANGE AMERICA
Pentagon Confirms Area 51 Contains Mostly Unread Emails
Declassified summary describes 'historic backlog of clearance requests and one weird PDF.
Community Notices
- East Millfield Neighbor Association - leaf blower détente talks continue.
- Library Scream Booth now accepts appointments through December.
- City crosswalk placebo buttons rated "surprisingly satisfying" in customer survey.
Archive
October 2026
September 2026
- Microsoft Releases New Operating System That Promises to Make Bureaucrats Even More Efficient
- Louisville Proclaims Sept. 25 Dolly Parton 9 to 5 Day With Science Center Screening and Pink Bridge Lighting
- Braves' Magic Number Officially Set to Appear in Dreams Tonight
- Louder Than Life 2026 Arrives With a New Companion Site Built by Lit Printz and Laughing Dragons Productions
- Experts Confirm Ios 27 release Date is Exactly What It Sounds Like.
- Nation Waits Patiently for State Mandates 'Audible Respiration' On Hoa Forms After Man Lists Dark Side As Home Business to Mean Something
- Court Clarifies Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness Do Not Include Brita Filter
- Spirit Airlines Unveils Broke Boy Fare Class In Honor Of GTA 6
- Trump Unveils Space Force Uniform Pentagon Insists Is Not Imperial
August 2026
- Peter Cullen Dies at 85
- Darth Vader Turns To Dark Side After California Planning Commission Continues His Application To Next Month
- Tim Curry Dies at 80
- Dolly Dies at 80
- THEM 1947 and Lit Printz Launch Cross-Platform Alien Collaboration
- City Mandates Emotional Support Squirrels for All Office Workers
- Local Man's Alexa Develops Strong Opinions About His Marriage
- FDA Approves New Drug That Only Treats Symptoms of Reading the News
- Area Man's Portfolio Now Emotionally Diversified
- Congress Discovers Future Already Happened, Schedules Hearing
- Nation's Smart Fridges Hold Emergency Meeting About Leftovers
- School District Replaces Detention With Mandatory Podcast Listening
- Weather Service Adds 'Existential Drizzle' to Forecast
- Library Introduces 'Screaming Allowed' Study Room
- DOT Requires All Road Rage to Be Submitted in Writing
- Scientists Confirm Cats Have Been Ignoring Us on Purpose
- Airline Introduces Basic Economy Plus Regret
- Town Declares War on Decorative Gourds
- HR Department Announces Bring Your Inner Child to Work Day
- National Park Service Adds Trail Rated 'Moderately Existential
- Museum Opens Exhibit on Passwords You Will Never Remember
- State Fair Adds Competitive Overthinking Category
- Company Mandates Camera-On for 'Authentic Disconnection
- CDC Issues Guidance on Touching Grass Safely
- City Installs Crosswalk Button That Only Pretends to Work
- Pentagon Confirms Area 51 Contains Mostly Unread Emails
- Economists Declare Soft Landing Has Been Replaced by Soft Ambivalence
- Neighbors Form Coalition Against Guy Who Blows Leaves at 7 a.m.
- Study Finds Average Meeting Could Have Been Email and Also Wasn't
- Nation Exhausted After Short Week Somehow Feels Longer
- Local Dog Elected Honorary Mayor After Attending Every Council Meeting
- Grocery Store Introduces Slow Lane for People Who Need a Minute
- Tech CEO Apologizes for Calling Everything 'AI' When It's Just Math
- Wedding Industry Introduces Micro-Regret Packages
- Fire Department Adds Emotional Support Dalmatian With No Comment
- College Adds Major in Explaining Memes to Parents
- Solar Eclipse Viewing Party Moved to Group Chat
- Man Discovers Gym Membership Works Better as Guilt Subscription
- Board Game Cafe Bans Players Who Explain Rules Unsolicited
- Postal Service Tests Delivery by 'When We Get There
- The Associated Pressed Vault Hits 50-Article Day, Immediately Plans Tomorrow
- The Mysterious Case of the Disappearing Butterflies
- Alien Cats Invasion Alert