CEDAR POINT - The city council voted unanimously Thursday to require every employer with more than twelve workers to provide a certified emotional support squirrel by January, a measure officials called "the minimum humane response to three years of hybrid confusion."

"We tried meditation apps," said Labor Commissioner Dana Hooper. "We tried snack walls. The snack walls attracted more squirrels than employees, which is when we realized we were already halfway there." She paused and added with a wry smile, "And I do mean halfway - literally, not figuratively."

Under the ordinance, squirrels must complete a forty-hour de-escalation course that includes not running up pant legs during quarterly reviews and not burying important documents in planter boxes. Employers may deduct up to $400 per rodent from taxable income, provided the animal does not chew through the ethernet.

Human resources departments reported mixed results during the pilot. "Chester listens when I talk about my ex-wife," said accounts payable specialist Renee Kwan. "He also stole my lunch and hid it in the ceiling tile, which felt accurate." She sighed, "I mean, he's a squirrel. He’s got his priorities."

The Chamber of Commerce opposed the rule, arguing that squirrels "lack accountability structures" and "will unionize before the interns do." Chamber president Gil Marr pointed to a downtown law firm where a support squirrel allegedly scheduled six meetings by stepping on an Outlook shortcut. "It's one thing when they're just stealing snacks," he said, "but scheduling? That's a whole new level of chaos."

City veterinarians will inspect workplaces monthly for adequate acorn reserves and "a general absence of hawk activity." Violators face fines of $2,500 per unsupervised employee sadness. Hooper explained that the city was "still determining whether a squirrel over Zoom counts if it is technically in another jurisdiction," adding with a chuckle, "We're not quite there yet."

When asked about remote workers, Hooper said the city was "still determining" their status. A guidance document is expected never, according to the clerk, who was briefly distracted by something in the oak outside.

Local businesses have had mixed reactions. At the Coffee Beanery, owner Sarah Thompson said, "We're going to need a bigger cup." She added with a grin, "And maybe some squirrel-proof coffee grinders."

At the nearby Cedar Point Bank, head of HR Mark Jones was more pragmatic. "We'll probably just get a couple of squirrels and call it a day," he said. "Or maybe we can start charging for their services - squirrel therapy sessions, anyone?"

The city council's decision has sparked a flurry of activity in the squirrel training industry. Squirrel trainers are now offering packages that include not only de-escalation courses but also squirrel-proofing workshops for office furniture and technology.

Meanwhile, some employees have taken to social media to share their experiences with their new furry coworkers. "My squirrel is great," wrote one employee on the company's internal forum. "He listens when I talk about my ex-wife, but he also stole my lunch and hid it in the ceiling tile." Another added, "I mean, he’s a squirrel."

As the deadline approaches, many employers are scrambling to find certified emotional support squirrels. Some have turned to local pet stores, while others have resorted to hiring squirrels from nearby parks - though this has led to some unexpected complications.

In one case, a squirrel was caught on camera running up an employee's pant leg during a meeting and then proceeding to nibble on the speaker’s notepad. The incident went viral, earning the squirrel the nickname "Cheesebutter" and causing a minor scandal at the company.

The city council remains undeterred by these incidents. Hooper said, "We’re confident that with proper training and supervision, squirrels can be a valuable part of any office environment." She added with a straight face, "And if they don’t work out, we have a backup plan - more meditation apps."

As the deadline looms, Cedar Point is bracing for an influx of furry new employees. The city council hopes that this unique policy will not only provide emotional support but also bring a touch of whimsy to the workplace. After all, as Hooper put it, "In these uncertain times, we need all the levity we can get."