WASHINGTON - The House Select Committee on Temporal Oversight convened an emergency session Wednesday after a junior aide discovered that minutes for a hearing scheduled for next Thursday had already been filed, stamped, and summarized on cable news. The binder in question included a vote tally on a bill that has not been written, a quote attributed to a senator who was in Nebraska, and a catering invoice for chicken that "tastes like regret," according to a footnote no one remembers adding.
"We are not alleging time travel," said Chair Rep. Lila Gant. "We are alleging the future happened early, which, if true, makes most of our fundraising emails obsolete." She went on to say, "Imagine the headlines: 'Congress Passes Bill to Ban Plastic Straws in 2050!' It's a bit anticlimactic."
The binder was filled with documents that seemed eerily prescient. A draft bill on climate change legislation included provisions for a cap-and-trade system that had already been implemented and repealed by the time of its supposed introduction. The quote attributed to Senator Tom Johnson, who was in Nebraska at the time, read: "The future is not written; it is being written." This, according to the binder, was said on May 12th, which was actually a Wednesday.
Minority staffers argued that the document was merely a draft, pointing out that drafts often contain inaccuracies and predictions. Majority staffers countered that drafts do not include C-SPAN timestamps, which were present in this binder. The Capitol physician was summoned after three members reported déjà vu severe enough to qualify for hazard pay. Rep. Gant herself had to be escorted from the room when she began muttering about "the day before yesterday."
Physicists consulted by the committee offered little comfort. Dr. Stephen Voss of the Institute for Obvious Explanations stated, "Linear time is a social construct. Also someone left a Post-it that says 'you already knew.'" He went on to explain, "The laws of physics don't care about our schedules or expectations. They just keep ticking."
The committee voted 9 - 4 to hold a hearing about the hearing, then realized that vote also appeared in the binder on page twelve. Parliamentarian Eleanor Peck ruled the situation "procedurally moist" and suggested everyone go home until causality "sorts itself out." She added, "In the meantime, let's hope no one tries to change anything."
Witnesses will include the aide, the printer, and a clock from the Rayburn bathroom that has been fast since 1987. The clock is said to have gained an extra hour every day for decades, making it a local celebrity among staff members. Rep. Gant joked, "I think we should just let the clock keep running. It's already faster than time itself."
The committee adjourned with a sense of unease hanging over them. As they filed out, Rep. Gant was overheard saying to her aide, "At least we know what's for lunch tomorrow." The aide replied, "Yeah, chicken that tastes like regret," before both burst into laughter.
In the meantime, the future continued to unfold as usual. A spokesperson for the Senate said upper chamber leaders preferred to wait until the future happened on their schedule, "preferably after recess." They added, "We can't have our calendar being dictated by a binder from last week."
The committee's next move remains uncertain, but one thing is clear: they will not be making any more fundraising emails anytime soon.
