MOAB - The National Park Service unveiled updated trail ratings Friday, adding “moderately existential” to its difficulty scale between strenuous and why did I think this was a good idea.
Ranger Lila Gant explained that the label reflects terrain that is physically manageable but spiritually ambiguous. "You gain 800 feet in elevation and lose a relationship with certainty," she said, her voice tinged with a mix of exasperation and resignation. "It’s like walking into a room where the walls are slowly closing in on you."
Signs advising hikers to carry two liters of water, sun protection, and “a willingness to sit on a rock and stare until something resolves or doesn’t” were installed at trailheads across the park. Early visitors praised the accuracy of these signs. "The incline was fine," said Owen Kessler, who had just completed his hike. "But the part where I remembered I never learned guitar - that was the trail."
Local color abounded in the form of hikers donning new shirts reading “I Survived Moderately Existential and Came Back Anyway.” The proceeds from these sales fund trail maintenance and a quiet bench program, which has become a popular spot for contemplative visitors to sit and stare into the distance.
Search and rescue teams reported no increase in emergencies, though counselors noted a rise in visitors saying they needed to “figure some stuff out” while clearly talking about more than elevation. One hiker, Sarah Thompson, recounted her experience: "I was just trying to find my way back to the parking lot, but I ended up sitting on a rock for an hour and a half."
The park gift shop now offers a wide array of merchandise aimed at the existential hiker. In addition to the aforementioned shirts, there are keychains emblazoned with quotes like "Life is not about finding yourself; it's about losing yourself in something bigger," mugs displaying minimalist landscapes, and even a line of “existential” water bottles.
Ranger Gant reminded the public that all wilderness carries risk, including the risk of clarity. "If you wanted easy answers," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "you should have stayed in the parking lot with the gourds."
As hikers continue to explore these new trails, one can only wonder what other labels might be added to the difficulty scale next. Perhaps “moderately perplexing” or “slightly epistemological.” For now, however, the National Park Service stands by its decision, confident that those who seek out the moderately existential will find their own unique challenges and rewards.
In the end, it’s not just about the hike; it's about the journey into the unknown. And for some, that is worth every drop of sweat and every moment of existential doubt.
