GENEVA - Dr. Elias Venn presented a paper Monday arguing that gravity is not a fundamental force but an accumulation of side effects from reckless time travel across the multiverse. His theory, which has sent ripples through both scientific and philosophical circles, suggests that every time someone visits yesterday to win an argument, spacetime sighs and pulls harder.
"Every time someone visits yesterday to win an argument, spacetime sighs and pulls harder," Venn told reporters beside a whiteboard covered in arrows and the phrase NO MORE DINNER DEBATES. "It's like the universe is saying, 'Enough with these debates! You're making me tired!'"
The model predicts heavier mornings after long weekends, increased dropping of phones, and the sensation that Mondays have mass. Venn's team simulated 10,000 timelines in which a single uncle corrects a wedding toast; all simulations ended with tighter socks.
"This is not just about physics," Venn explained. "It's about understanding why we feel so weighed down by our mistakes. Maybe if we could travel back and fix them, the universe would lighten up."
Mainstream physicists requested reproducibility of his experiments. Venn offered a live demo but forgot where he placed the demo. "I think I left it in the cafeteria," he admitted sheepishly.
CERN issued a statement clarifying that they have not opened a portal, closed a portal, or commented on rumors about a portal labeled BREAK IN CASE OF BOREDOM. Security did report missing coffee from Tuesday that reappeared warm on Monday. "Someone must be using it for something," one security guard speculated.
Philosophers welcomed the theory as finally explaining why regret feels physical. Engineers asked whether retrofitting DeLoreans with mufflers would reduce localized gravity near garages. "That's a great idea, but we'll need to test it first," Venn replied, his eyes twinkling behind his glasses.
Funding agencies classified the proposal as "high risk, high narrative." Venn requested grants in the form of durable boots. "I walk a lot, and these are just too comfy to give up," he said with a grin.
If validated, textbooks would reorder chapters, gyms would market anti-chronological training, and nobody would admit how often they have already tried to fix traffic by leaving five minutes earlier in a theoretical past. "It's like we've all been trying to cheat the system for years," Venn mused aloud.
Venn closed the briefing by dropping his pen. The pen landed on the table with a soft thud, and the room applauded politely. "See?" he said. "That's gravity at work."
As reporters filed out of the conference room, one asked if Venn had any advice for those feeling weighed down by their past actions. "Just keep moving forward," Venn replied. "The universe will pull you back up."
